It is 10pm on Sunday 14 November. Today at some time between about 10.30am and 1.30pm Laura took another potentially fatal overdose to try and end her life. Currently she is in the Critical Care Unit of the new QE hospital and I am in my bedroom typing this trying to find something, anything to take my mind off things while my subconscious sorts itself out.
The medical staff have sedated her (which seems odd with someone who has overdosed on sedatives) and she is breathing with the assistance of a ventilator. She would be unable to breathe without it because of the sedation. At this point they don't know if she could breathe alone if she wasn't sedated- although she didn't actually stop breathing at any point on this occasion, which is a good sign.
I am in a state of limbo at the moment. I have cried a little a couple of times, but I am aware of an intense emotional bubble inside me that is being held back. My heart is broken but I am being protected by numbness, for how long I cannot know.
Tomorrow morning the medics are going to make a decision upon what damage has been done when they receive the results of her toxicology reports, chest x-rays (she may have ingested something from her stomach into her lungs again, the last time this happened she developed very serious pneumonia) and when they try to wake her from the sedation.
I have no more words right now. Odd as it seems I have one more task which I will fulfill before trying to turn in for the night; Laura has selected but not bought a Christmas present for me. I now realise that this was part of her finalising things ahead of this event- which she believed that she would do even if she didn't know for sure. I am going to make the purchase while she is still with us as I think that's what she wanted. I know that it is bizarre, my head is all over the place!
I love Laura so very, very much that even if she doesn't pull through I know that I will feel that she is still with me for as long as I last without her.
