Write a letter to the Daily Mail

Hey kids, are you stuck for things to do when it rains during the summer holidays? Why not make like a grown up and write to the Daily Mail? It's fun, it gets you attention and it only costs the price of a stamp. Here's how:

Take an article from the Daily Mail, it doesn't really matter which one but articles about Asylum Seekers, Drug Dealers, Terrorists, the Labour Party and Paedophiles usually work best. Most days you can find a front page story that manages to tie all of them together- that's a sure-fire winner.

Now, you must start your letter by making it clear that you refer to that article. After that, there are no rules. It's a free-for-all. What fun! All that you need to do is to copy some or all of the following phrases in any order that you like and then end the letter with a woman's name (the frumpier the better) and add the title 'Mrs' in brackets afterwards. That will convince them that you aren't one of those awful dungaree-wearing feminists that used to appear on news bulletins in the 1980s. Here are your phrases:

• "The country is full up. I'm sorry, but we can't take your riff-raff any longer"
• "One of two of these people should be made an example of"
• "These people should be made to sit up and take notice"
• "What reasonable-minded person actually objects to bringing back the birch?"
• "It never did me any harm, I can tell you"
• "These bleeding-heart liberals really get my dander up"
• "We all know that these Socialists are only out to line their own pockets"
• "I come from an ordinary middle-class family."
• "The good old British taxpayer is the mug who has to foot the bill for this"
• "Decent hard-working British people who have paid tax all their lives"
• "This anarchist's paradise where there are no restrictions on the drinking of alcohol?"
• "I am English and proud. Why is that so offensive to our visitors here?"
• "All sorts of organisations will jump on the bandwagon and cry inequality"
• "This 'Nanny state' where people aren't allowed the freedom to smoke a cigarette"
• "If those of different faiths who have chosen to live in this country can still observe their customs, why can't we?"
• "Winston Churchill would be spinning in his grave"
• "It seems the politically correct brigade have been at it again"
• "What a child needs is discipline"
• "Can someone explain to me why soft drugs are tolerated by this Labour Government"
• "I'm simply disgusted at the way in which our government expects us to pay taxes through the nose"
• "It's no wonder this country is going to the dogs"
• "It's PC gone mad" (if you want to be really creative try something that means the same in fancier words like "this is secularism in a demented form")
• "Who can blame the millions who emigrate every year?"
• "Gordon Brown and his left-wing cronies in the cabinet"
• "What a child needs is to be kept out of danger from these lecherous beasts who are seemingly waiting at every turn"
• "People who have done nothing wrong have nothing to fear from this legislation"
• "I'm simply outraged at the way in which our government fails to provide anything more than the basic services that people need in hospital"
• "I've voted Tory all of my life and this country has never needed a Tory Government as badly as it does now"
• "Is this what generations of English men fought and died for?"
• "These people want nothing more than to be governed by Germany"
• "Isn't this simply another Labour Government attempt to extract more money from our pockets for fewer services?"
• "I have worked hard all of my life and for what?"
• "An Englishman's home used to be his castle. Well not any more"
• "Oh how I wish we could let Margaret Thatcher get hold of these people"
• "Is nothing sacred any longer?"
• "What a child needs is the freedom to learn and make their own mistakes without these namby-pamby rules interfering with the process"
• "These left-wing do-gooders will destroy every custom tradition and belief that English people hold dear"